Having been out of treatment for almost 2.5 years, I don’t really catch it anymore, but every now and then I’ll realize that something I’m thinking, doing or (most importantly) eating is only happening because of my treatment.

Because I went to Walden, I (still)…

• am always careful to use “I” statements went making confrontations.
• understand that validation is very important.. and get what it is.
• hear that damn bell every time I put myself down.
• cannot eat Cheerios without almond slices.
• ..cannot eat many things without almond slices..
• don’t really eat jelly anymore because there’s no nutritional value to it.
• can make a kick ass stir-fry.
• am in love with chili and stuffed peppers.. two things I would have never thought I’d like.
• am a very strong advocate for Fish Oil.
• know that milk and I just cannot be friends.. but we still sneak around..
• know that staring at the sun with your eyes closed can actually improve your sight.
• know the official rules to calling “Rummy” during.. Rummy.
• will always prefer to drink with a straw, almost out of spite.
• have way more hats in my house than I will ever know what to do with…
• have to wait another 4.5 years before my record clears and I can actually work there…

Treatment is not just about learning DBT and eating and journaling for 10 hours a day. There are parts of my life that I just wouldn’t have without the time I spent in treatment. It’s funny the effect such an event can have beyond what we expect to get out of it.

What are things you do in your every day life that you picked up from your days in treatment?

A few months ago, I decided to revive this blog for all of my more regular, every day type postings. What I’m doing now, what my goals are, work, school, etc. I now have the feed on the right side of F.O with the most recent entry so you can have easy access to both (if you’re interested).

I will still be writing in Frozen.Oranges with anything (post-)recovery and psychologically related, but I update the other one more often.

Enjoy

The Law of Attraction and Power of Intention was a bit much for me at first. I get all kinds of clippings from these two – via my mom – and it’s not really the angle I often take on life. I’m positive and strong, but some of it borderlines on playing with words to make something sound deep so people will really think. Though, I must admit that once in a while, I will really take her passage of the day to heart and give it a try.

In a nutshell, you get what you attract and you attract what you are (not necessarily what you want). If you say you won’t get something, you won’t. If you say you intend to get something, it will come if that is what you need.

Thanks to some serious support (mostly from my parents, but offered by many others), I was able to do what most people only dream of doing: I walked out of a toxic situation to pursue better things. The twist is that the toxic situation happened to provide my income. I was given one month to find a job that I had been looking for for almost two years.

For those two years, I was sometimes discouraged, negative, sometimes close to begging for something to just happen. I felt trapped.

As soon as I let go of everything holding me back, my entire attitude changed. I felt free and confident and sturdy. More so unemployed than I did when I was.. shall we say, “locked in.” And opportunities literally fell into my lap.

I have a job. I start on Tuesday. My life is awesome. More to come.

I’ve been talking to a friend – a writer – about my struggle with writing my memoir a lot lately. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and definitely in the past couple years. I just can’t figure out why I struggle with it so much when it’s something I want to do so badly. Or, I couldn’t. She made a really good point.

It’s difficult to write about something that bores you and, apparently, I’m bored by my own story now. I’ve told it so many times, I’ve already written it (in about 5 different journals), I blog about it, I think about it, it’s always there. So of course, why would I find interest in writing it all down, AGAIN.

Any of you who have written your memoirs or books about your experiences find this difficult? Am I the only one who’s bored of my own history? Any suggestions on how to get past it?

I have been out of treatment for two years, I have gained a bit of weight, and as of February, a routine physical shows all is normal and in great range. Now, I’m remembering that food is made up of more than just calories. There are vitamins, minerals, things my body needs and things that – while I enjoy them – should only be taken in moderation.

When it comes down to it, I eat like shit. I love junk food and I adore chocolate. I can’t help it. Processed foods, McD’s cheeseburgers, microwave dinners, chemicals, sugar, and donuts. None of these things are necessarily bad for me, but my body doesn’t need them and moderation is key. Yet, a lot of the items that fill my Stop & Shop carriage seem to have these things in common. Sure, I eat fruit and protein, but it’s not incredibly balanced.

I’ve come to love (and respect) food and it no longer holds any connection to my emotions. I am recovered. The next step is learning how to use it to improve my body outside of just weight and the general number of servings needed from each food group, and I’m not really sure how to do that. I know words like “whole wheat” and “organic” and “green” are good. Where do I go from here? Besides Trader Joe’s..

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Perfect.

In the same vain as the last post, I miss this song. I miss the feeling this song gave me. This wasn’t apart of my depressed emo days, this didn’t play a role in me hurting or killing myself. Contrary to the idea of my last post, this song came later on at my turning point, if you will. The idea of it sat at the foundation of my recovery. And I miss that feeling.

I’ve analyzed it as missing the feeling of fighting for something, of feeling like I’m overcoming. Recovery was amazing. I remember when I first started blogging. It was a constant flow of revelation and understanding. Everything was literally falling into place like puzzle pieces, as cliché as that may be. I was rediscovering my whole life. I would be giddy each day that I felt my life coming together, as I became more relaxed and eager to work in treatment.

I suppose recovery is kind of like falling in love. (Give me a second.) For those that have experienced it in it’s true cycle, we know that the initial “falling in love” eventually wears off and what is left is true comfort. It’s all amazing and giddy and butterflies and things that are nauseating to outside witnesses, and then it just grows to be comfortable and the initial tingly feeling eventually dissolves. What we’re left with is still so right, so necessary, still love, but without the excitement of the newness. It’s not bad.. you just miss it sometimes. It’s almost as if I miss my eating disorder because I miss the feeling of the battle.

Yeah, it’s kind of like that.

Yes, this was me in high school: blasting Linkin Park, crying to Evanescence and screaming along with The Used and Taking Back Sunday. (My mom will – to this day – cringe at the mere mention of “Evanescence.” Sorry, Mom.)

Tonight, B and I got into a discussion about losing interest in music we used to listen to at the end of high school/early college; how we sometimes really want to listen to those old “angry” bands, but are never really in the mood to. I still sometimes listen to my old music for the nostalgia, and it brings back a very subtle sense of that anger/depression I used to have. Not in a triggering way, but just enough to remember.

I told him it kind of makes me miss the times I hated my life. I almost feel like I lost a piece of myself in my recovery from depression, SI habits and my eating disorder. To someone who’s never been in so much pain, this sounds absolutely asinine. Would I prefer that life over what I’ve worked so hard to achieve? Fuck no. I’m happy, healthy, active, and [on my way to becoming] successful. I wouldn’t trade a thing for what my life is now. But there’s still a piece of me that misses that darkness for some reason. Maybe it was the comfort, maybe it was the label and the way people saw me as that girl. Whatever it is, part of me still lays identifies with that teen-angsty piece of me. I just keep her a little less dramatic these days.

..Someone please tell me you get this. I don’t know how else to explain it.

You can find me here: http://emsr.blogspot.com/

Will return 3/17/10. And what a beautiful day to return to Boston.

As part of my membership, I am required to complete “orders” that help promote the organization in order to remain a member. One of the orders I decided to accept today is one that anyone can do and I thought there may be some people in this blogging community that would enjoy the opportunity to lift someone’s spirits. You don’t have to be a Street Team member or even be someone who has experienced treatment first hand.

The order is as follows:

We believe in words, and know they’re powerful. A lot of times, when we’re in dark places we can forget. We want to offer people in treatment letters of encouragement. We want to say keep fighting, and to believe that this is worth it.

We are collecting letters written to anonymous people to send to various treatment centers. We ask that you please write a letter of encouragement, honesty, and support to an anonymous person. You are more than welcome to write more than one letter, or see if other people in your community want to be involved. We’d love that!

A few guidelines:
-Do not address the letter do someone, something like “Hello” or “Hi” or anything else is great, but please do not put a name on the letter.
-Do not put triggering information in the letter, or use triggering words. We want to offer positive, hopeful, and encouraging words. We don’t want anyone to be upset, or triggered.�
-Do not put your phone number, email address, or personal mailing address in the letter. We want to keep you safe.
-Your return address goes on the envelope to TWLOHA, it does not go on the letter to the person.
-Do feel free to share part of your story (please do not be graphic, we don’t want to trigger them).
-If you like, decorate them with crayons, markers, stickers, anything.
-If you like, include some of your favorite uplifting song lyrics or quotes.

TWLOHA
Attn: Letters of Encouragement
P.O. Box 206
Cocoa, FL. 32923�

If you decide to contribute, feel free to leave a comment letting me know! I’d love to see who decided to take the time. And thank you ahead of time to those who do.