And thanks to everyone that’s helped keep her alive this long. <3

They’re drugs. More vaguely, they’re chemicals. They’re chemicals that have reactions with chemicals inside of our bodies, creating different moods and feelings. You may be surprised to know.. food has chemicals that do the same.

Up until a few years ago, I was eating food strictly as means of survival. If food was in me, I would stay alive, and that’s all I needed to happen. I was depressed, occasionally manic, and anxious. Pssht, I had meds for that. Food kept my heart pumping, Ambien put me to sleep. Simple.

After 2 years out of treatment, I’m starting to find that the physical effects that food has on our bodies has a lot to do with our mentality as well. For example, oatmeal helps level our blood sugar, which in turn can calm us when we’re irritable. Likewise, salt can raise our blood pressure, causing us to become more anxious.

I’m always anxious and have been since the day I came out of the womb. (That was a pretty anxiety-provoking day for me. Sorry, Mom.) Caffiene (hot chocolate, coffee, some teas, chocolate) has an enormous effect on this and usually sends me right to just under hyperventilation mode for at least an hour.
My first goal to improve my well-being via diet-change is to cut caffeine from my diet. Decaf only. There’s a reason they don’t allow it in treatment..

OCD stands for Obsessive-compulsive Disorder.
Believe it or not, one of the best explanations I have found (which also covers my previous entry on the misinterpretation of the name) is on Wikipedia.

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions). The symptoms of this anxiety disorder range from repetitive hand-washing and extensive hoarding to preoccupation with sexual, religious, or aggressive impulses. These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often cause severe emotional and economic loss. Although the acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and come across to others as psychotic, OCD sufferers often recognize their thoughts and subsequent actions as irrational, and they may become further distressed by this realization.

OCD is the fourth most common mental disorder and is diagnosed nearly as often as asthma and diabetes mellitus.^[1] In the United States, one in 50 adults has OCD.^[2] The phrase “obsessive–compulsive” has become part of the English lexicon, and is often used in an informal or caricatured manner to describe someone who is meticulous, perfectionistic, absorbed in a cause, or otherwise fixated on something or someone.^[3] Although these signs may be present in OCD, a person who exhibits them does not necessarily have OCD

[Full article here.]

OCD can be very detrimental to every day life. As the article and I have both mentioned, being meticulous or perfectionistic is not the same thing and is often misconstrued as such. They can certainly be symptoms, but it’s when you spend far too much time fixing and refixing until you feel this crawling feeling under your skin and have to freak out. Not to mention, you just might die. And those words just don’t seem to do it justice.

There is, however, one part of my life I am still fairly closed off about. What makes it even more uncomfortable for me is how easily I can talk about everything else (for ONCE) and this is still so difficult to bring up, even with my therapist. This, of course, would be the dreaded mental disorder that – make no mistake about it – I never wanted anything to do with. I will admit: I’m a little ashamed of my OCD.

I need to clear something up, and I apologize if this post seems attacking or overly bitter in anyway. I cannot take the jokes about this disorder any longer.

“Oh my God, I’m like, totes OCD.” Kill me.
I have heard this more times than I ever want to remember. More often than not, it comes from someone who’s a little picky, a little particular, and perhaps a legit perfectionist. “AAH, the line isn’t straight. I’m so OCD, HAHA.” No, you’re not. A perfectionist, maybe, and even that is a little extreme.

If you have OCD, you don’t find anything funny about it. More importantly, you know that you cannot “be OCD.” (You do realize you’re calling yourself “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,” right?) It has been taken down to the level of “ADD,” where apparently everyone has it so long as they’re acting a little hyper. The torture is really toned down by the humor.

Due to becoming completely fed-up with the ignorance of the disorder, I’m going to try something new. I’m going to try to open up a little in hopes of educating. I mean, it’s exactly what I did with my anorexia toward the end of my recovery and I believe – on top of helping who knows how many others – it really helped me pull through and overcome. Maybe this is what I need, because I refuse to let this continue affecting my life in the way that it does. And, even more importantly, I refuse to continue allowing people be ignorant enough to joke about something that has the power to destroy a person in so many painful ways.

I could never help but feel like everyone was watching me jump on the treadmill, start desperately panting after 25 seconds (Goddamn, a minute is a long time to run), and step off after the hardest workout of my life… 5 minutes later… and thinking to themselves, “Wow, what a p&#*y.” (For the record, I hate that word.) I mean, isn’t there some guaranteed minimum of fitness and endurance for a 23-year-old non-smoker?

I brought this up to B – my extremely fit, marathon-running workout buddy/trainer – who corrected me in saying people are probably thinking the exact opposite. I’m doing low-impact exercises for minimum time and am still clearly pretty skinny. “She must be doing something right.” Obviously, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, fitness is judged by size. Which is ridiculous, because I am far from fit (yet) and we all know my size is does not come from working out. This results in my still feeling like I am being negatively judged.

On the contrary, maybe no one’s judging me at all. B also likes to often tell me, “get over yourself.” People may not even be paying attention to me in the gym. Once this realization hit, I realized my workouts have been going smoother. There’s something to be said for focusing on your own fitness training and no one else(’s). If that’s not motivation for tuning out the thoughts of other people’s.. thoughts.. I don’t know what is.

Treatment of an eating disorder in the US ranges from $500 per day to $2,000 per day. The average cost for a month of inpatient treatment is $30,000. It is estimated that individuals with eating disorders need anywhere from 3 – 6 months of inpatient care. Health insurance companies for several reasons do not typically cover the cost of treating eating disorders.

Courtesy of the South Carolina Dept of Mental Health.

To the right of my blog, you will see a new Widget to support Chase Community Giving.

What it means in general is here: Chase Community Giving on Facebook

What it means to you is that the money they are offering to donate could go towards TWLOHA, which is currently #2 on the leaderboard of votes. Take a second (yes, you have to become a fan, big whoop) and vote for TWLOHA to receive this very generous donation of $1 million.

You also have 4 other votes to use on other charities as well, such as the Feel Your Boobies Foundation, the National Autism Association Inc, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and many (well, 96) more. Go.. do something.

This was the moment I knew that this gym membership would be more than the one night discouragement that all the others have been. This is no doomed-to-fail New Years resolution. It was a cool realization to look around and know that all of these people coming from whatever lifestyle they lead are in a building reserved strictly for physical self-improvement, whether or not that comes with emotional and mental stabilization, as well. We want to be stronger, faster, more flexible, more in-tune with our bodies. We want to be better. I want to be better.

I think I’m finally addicted (in a healthy way, of course). I get pretty pumped when I know it’s a gym day and I’m growing rather fond of those painful “I didn’t know scratching my nose used that muscle”-mornings that validate the hard work I put in the night before.

Of course, as the world loves reminding me, more activity means way more calories. I’ve been working hard to make sure I eat more during the day, especially in protein and carbs. However, I’ve never really been so active that I had to readjust my diet before, so I’m still feeling it out. When do I eat in relation to a workout? What do I need to do in order to continue gaining weight while burning so many calories? What is the best thing to eat after a run (I tend to gravitate towards fish, if it’s dinner time)?

I’m thinking about going back to my nutritionist to talk about a plan that works with my new routine. If anyone else has been through heading back to the gym for a new purpose (as opposed to unhealthy weight-loss) and has any tips on either eating or working out/running in general, I’d love to hear them!

For starters, it hasn’t been 11 days since I’ve written because I’m lazy. This is, in fact, the first chance I’ve had to sit and update. I’ve actually done a number of simple things that I don’t often do over a matter months, typically. Feels kinda good.

Anyway, welcome to a new decade, kids. The.. tens. Or something. Some fun facts: 10 years ago, I was prepping to enter high school. Oh, and everyone was mind-blown that the world hadn’t ended because of a few digits. Ten years is a long f-ing time. I can’t even begin to think about the things I would have never expected to come of my life.

I’m not one for resolutions, but I have some goals I’m working on that I would like to set for the year ‘0-10.

1. Get in shape in every way. Strength/muscle-building, endurance, flexibility, balance. (I need Wii Fit.) I started going to the gym last week. I have since gone 5 times, a record for me. I’m lifting (with the help of someone who knows what they’re doing) and learning to push myself even when I want to cry. Hopefully, when I have more money, I will also start doing yoga on a consecutive basis.
2. Get back to school. The hardest part is.. um.. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Financial aid and loans are so complicated and I don’t know how to start. I’m going to see if I can just register for 1 class for this semester.. just to get in the doors. Then maybe do a full-time load in the summer, but definitely in the fall.
3. Find a new job. Typically, I wouldn’t post this as such public knowledge, but my current job knows that this is in my plans. It’s a semi-complicated situation. It’s pretty cut-and-dry.. just wish me luck.
4. Get on a plane. I don’t particularly care where.  I want to go somewhere this year. I spent more than enough time picking up and dropping off at Logan Airport in 2009. I’d like to leave there and go somewhere other than back on the Pike. Preferably somewhere I’ve never been, but if my only chance to get on a plane is to hit Florida, I’ll take it in a heartbeat.
5. Find more interesting things to do. When I hang out with friends, I get food, a few drinks, and – more often than not – hang out at someone’s house/apartment. These are fun. Whatever. I went rollerblading on New Years Day and that was one of the most interesting outings I’ve had in probably a year. Even bowling. Anything. I’m too young to make a night of watching TV my most interesting plan for the week.

I think those are 5 very good goals to start with. Here’s to self-improvement and more fun in my life. (A new job will be a big help with that.) L’chaim.