where disorder meets identity.

Emmy March 18, 2010 Uncategorized 6 Comments

I’m what some would call an “emo” kid. I was much more so in high school, but there’s still a piece of me in there. Often, they are characterized as black eyeliner, black clothing, Hot Topic-style, known for saying things about black souls and crimson tears and are often assumed to be *cringe* cutters. Not that I can deny that last part, but it seems to be over-generalized and seen as simply an act of looking for attention or a trend by that stereotype. Myth.

Yes, this was me in high school: blasting Linkin Park, crying to Evanescence and screaming along with The Used and Taking Back Sunday. (My mom will – to this day – cringe at the mere mention of “Evanescence.” Sorry, Mom.)

Tonight, B and I got into a discussion about losing interest in music we used to listen to at the end of high school/early college; how we sometimes really want to listen to those old “angry” bands, but are never really in the mood to. I still sometimes listen to my old music for the nostalgia, and it brings back a very subtle sense of that anger/depression I used to have. Not in a triggering way, but just enough to remember.

I told him it kind of makes me miss the times I hated my life. I almost feel like I lost a piece of myself in my recovery from depression, SI habits and my eating disorder. To someone who’s never been in so much pain, this sounds absolutely asinine. Would I prefer that life over what I’ve worked so hard to achieve? Fuck no. I’m happy, healthy, active, and [on my way to becoming] successful. I wouldn’t trade a thing for what my life is now. But there’s still a piece of me that misses that darkness for some reason. Maybe it was the comfort, maybe it was the label and the way people saw me as that girl. Whatever it is, part of me still lays identifies with that teen-angsty piece of me. I just keep her a little less dramatic these days.

..Someone please tell me you get this. I don’t know how else to explain it.

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6 Responses to “where disorder meets identity.”

  1. E said:

    Mar 18, 10 at 9:06 pm

    I get it. You’re definitely not alone. Despite the pain of times of suffering, be it from depression, an eating disorder, addiction, et cetera, there is a certain familiarity in the place and situation in which you have spent much of your life. And familiarity, although possibly unpleasant and harmful, is comforting because it doesn’t involve the unknown. It’s a reason why people return to abusive relationships or sink back into addictions. Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was destructive. But yes, it is familiar.
    Similarly, the ability to identify with a place in your life that you are no longer at is, I believe, healthy. If you couldn’t identify with that part of your life on any level, you would in a sense be removing a part of yourself. Perhaps this is way to grieve, to come to terms with that period in your life. That’s how I see some of my connection and identification to the “ill” part of my life anyways.
    -E

  2. Charlynn said:

    Mar 19, 10 at 1:14 pm

    Oh yeah, I get it. To this day, I think about going back to a disordered life and reliving a period of my life I know I have romanticized. Even though I know those years were basically hell, at least I knew what I was dealing with. It was simpler, but more painful. What keeps me from going back is that I am at a point where I *did* revisit that part of my life, I would lose everything else I have gained as a result of not being actively disordered – and that’s too much of a sacrifice. My experience has been that the longer you continue in recovery, the more reasons you find to stay in it.

  3. Mom/Robbi said:

    Mar 19, 10 at 4:30 pm

    When we grow, we grow in love and learn acceptance. That means embracing who we were and loving that person now. What was once understood to be something that needed to be “fixed” is now loved by our wiser selves and we continue to understand that everything we are is what we’ve always been. And it’s all beautiful. <3

  4. Emmy said:

    Mar 20, 10 at 11:37 pm

    Mom, that’s.. perfect. I think you found the exact words. Love you :)

  5. Hannah said:

    Mar 23, 10 at 8:11 am

    Dear Emmy,

    All I can say is, I do get it. And your post made me feel considerably less of weirdo for being not the only one. Thanks.

  6. Emmy said:

    Mar 24, 10 at 5:03 pm

    You’re welcome :)

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