Frozen.Oranges

There’s a song I used to listen to a lot and had posted to my blog more than once. It was called “Be My Escape” by Relient K. I would try to pick the most appropriate quote from the song to post, but ended up copy and pasting the entirety of the lyrics. It was all just summed up in that song. It was perfect.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Perfect.

In the same vain as the last post, I miss this song. I miss the feeling this song gave me. This wasn’t apart of my depressed emo days, this didn’t play a role in me hurting or killing myself. Contrary to the idea of my last post, this song came later on at my turning point, if you will. The idea of it sat at the foundation of my recovery. And I miss that feeling.

I’ve analyzed it as missing the feeling of fighting for something, of feeling like I’m overcoming. Recovery was amazing. I remember when I first started blogging. It was a constant flow of revelation and understanding. Everything was literally falling into place like puzzle pieces, as cliché as that may be. I was rediscovering my whole life. I would be giddy each day that I felt my life coming together, as I became more relaxed and eager to work in treatment.

I suppose recovery is kind of like falling in love. (Give me a second.) For those that have experienced it in it’s true cycle, we know that the initial “falling in love” eventually wears off and what is left is true comfort. It’s all amazing and giddy and butterflies and things that are nauseating to outside witnesses, and then it just grows to be comfortable and the initial tingly feeling eventually dissolves. What we’re left with is still so right, so necessary, still love, but without the excitement of the newness. It’s not bad.. you just miss it sometimes. It’s almost as if I miss my eating disorder because I miss the feeling of the battle.

Yeah, it’s kind of like that.